The Week My Heart Broke

Sorry, I have not written. 

This is part explanation, and part "gentle" rant. So, please forgive me in advance. 

The last several months have been full of ups and downs. To be honest, mostly downs since October. I was to go visit my "love" via train, back in October for a week. Then, drive back with him on the 20th and he would stay here for a week. But, then when I asked if he got his vacation time on the 20th to come back here, he said no so we should not come there until he got vacation time. 

His mother had a major operation on November 2nd. So, until she was well enough, he was going to have to stay there and take care of her. Of course, I totally understood this. Not a good time. And ~winter is coming~, it might be March or April before we get to see each other again. Still, I offered to come there to help with his mothers care. He never replied. 

So, he still has my car. Which I was fine with, since he needed transportation to get back to his home in July. When I could not take him as planned, because my father was in the hospital. Of course, he also needs to get too and from work and to the hospital and doctors appointments for his mother. 

Okay. No problem....

We had gotten really close while he was still here, saw each other nearly every day... Close than we had been years before.Talked on the phone or texted each other all day, everyday. Then there was the "click" a few weeks before he left. 

We had talked EVERY day since he left, made plans to do so many things. We were going to live together, be a family, vacation in Myrtle Beach so I could have a GOOD vacation. We were going to rehab a home, flip it and buy a nicer home. We were going to do so many things together. 

We were NOT back together. But, it seemed that it was being planned out over several months. 

A few days before he left, he was all happy and asked my daughter if she really wanted him to be her dad. Of course she said yes. Then he asked me if I really thought he was GOING to be a good father. Of course, I said yes. He said with a HUGE smile on his face "I think I am going to be a great Dad!"

Then the house we wanted and truck he wanted came in the picture, early. Although, I would not have flipped it. My Uncle asked me to come stay at his house and dog sit for a week while he went on vacation. Before he left, he asked me if I wanted to buy the house for only what he owed... $23000, $24000 if I wanted his truck too, or pay just $411 a month. 

This was my grandparents house, my mother and Aunts were raised there. When my grandfathers health was failing, my Aunt and Uncle moved in to care for him and bought it. After my grandfather passed, they were just paying in to his estate until my Uncle had a major heart attach and could no longer work. So, my Aunts all agreed they would just own the house and no longer owe a dime. 

My Uncle just wants to keep the house in the family, and help me out like he was helped in his time of crisis. So I called my "love" and asked him what he thought. He didn't say much, except asked if only me and my daughter were going to be living there. Of course! He wasn't going to be back any time soon! 

The night of 11-8 I saw the most amazingly beautiful shooting star. Good thing right? Not for me. That usually means something really bad is going to happen. 

The Week My Heart Broke

On November 9th, my little girl and I got home from my Uncles and shopping and she sees his picture on my Facebook, which I leave up all the time... Not just his picture, but a heart, and a picture of a girl. The "I am in a relationship" announcement. 

"Mommy does that mean he has a new girlfriend?" my daughter, who is head over heals in love with this man asks me. 

"I don't know baby, it must be a joke. I'll ask him in a little bit."

I was so hurt. So confused that I sat on it for a day, before I texted, called, and IM'd... With no response.

He never mentioned any other woman. Let me believe he was moving back to be with us. He never said he was nervous or scared. Never said anything.

Know what else? My boss died. I had been cleaning an office building twice a month and no longer will be making that money. There goes my ability to at least cover utilities for the house. 

WHY???

So a few days later with no response except several  THUMBS UP to my confessed heartbreak over his new relationship, I had a mini-meltdown... 

Not gonna lie, it was bad. 

So bad, that I called my eldest daughter to come pick up her baby sister so she would not see me sobbing uncontrollably. After that was arranged, one of my oldest friends who is a mutual friend of my and my "love" asked if I wanted her to pick me up and take me to her house to talk. YES!

While I was there, sipping... Er, uh... I mean guzzling wine, crying my eyes out about how hurt I was, he called. He called and said he had JUST read my texts and IM's. He was on break and said he would call again when he got off work. 

So I was telling my father about my Uncle wanting to sell the house. My father has been itching to move down south to live out the rest of his years. Only staying here so that my daughter and I have a home until I get my disability money. 

My father felt bad that my Uncle was drowning in debt and said "If he doesn't want too much for it I'll write him a check." Then I would pay my father back. 

My Uncle stops over to talk to my father and get the check. Then my father backs out of it... Babbling about what would he do with his house if he bought the house for me and let him live there until he found a place down south. He seemed really confused. So we just left it alone. 

Another disappointment. 

FIX IT!

He called after I got home and said, he didn't think I would be so upset. I could not compose myself. He kept asking me to calm down. He was upset in some way, I could tell by the way he was talking to me. Upset that I was upset? 

While we were on the phone that night he swore he was not and had never lied to me. That this girl was just someone to pass some time with. It wasn't serious. That I was acting like we were getting married and going to be a family when he moved back, that it was not going to happen. 

Why didn't you have me come there in October like we planned? "I WASN'T READY."

Statement of the year. Hell, statement my life. Nearly every man I have been with has said at some point.

Then, flipped and went on a tangent about how I was trying to get him to support 2 homes and he was too stressed and barely handling one. Then he flipped the switch again and said he never lied to me, that he was still moving back. 

If she is just someone to pass time with, someone to blow off steam with when he is so stressed about taking care of his mother and working and paying bills... I get it. No biggie. I honestly would not care at all. Except that my family thinks you are coming back to be with me. My BABY GIRL, who knows nothing about relationships, heartbreak... She thinks you are coming back to be her father. If this girl is not important and I am? Then FIX IT. 

I had so many questions, that needed answers. Barely on the phone long enough to scratch the surface of what I wanted to know. Especially, after being at our mutual friends earlier that night talking, drunk, but remembering everything she said. Not a word of it good.

A month later, it isn't fixed. It has been ignored and avoided. And I am more broken than ever. 

So, please... Forgive me for being so absent. 

Being without a car is hard when I am so stressed. I love to de-stress by going for a long drive and listening to my music LOUD! Since my "love" has a girlfriend, I am sure she has a car and can take care of him. It isn't my job. I am too nice sometimes. 

I will NEVER get this kind of an offer again. It is killing me to lose such a great opportunity. All in one week, I had my heart shattered and had this house come up... My Uncle is still holding on to it for me for a few months. I am STILL waiting for my appeal hearing decision on my disability case, which could be several more months or even more than a year. 

This stress, has been KILLING my ambition. Laundry is piling up, dishes not getting done. I have started to become depressed and that depression has been getting the best of me for the last month. I have been trying to drowned myself in the COPD world to avoid the rest of my life. 

Think about that last sentence ;)

I love you! 

You keep me going. When all else has failed me, I still have all of you! And, my COPD will never leave me either LOL.

COPD won't kill me, I promise. But, my stress might.